


Not Romeo, not Juliet

by Taaya



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Insecurity, M/M, Pon Farr aftermath, bit of smut, definitions of love, kink mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 08:30:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11055204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taaya/pseuds/Taaya
Summary: After Jim saved him from the fever, Spock struggles to adjust to what might have changed between them.





	Not Romeo, not Juliet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Speckeh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speckeh/gifts).



Spock lay there in the dark and stared at the ceiling he could not see. Thankfully Jim had returned to one of the guest quarters in Sarek’s house once the fever was gone. But still, lying there in his old room, still some toys his human grandparents sent him displayed on the shelves, he fest restless and less home than ever. He had come here to mate, sure. But he had expected T’Pring to be the one sharing his bed for one night. Instead she had refused him, forced him to fight. Forced him to kill … No, he did not kill Jim, Spock had to remind himself. It had felt as if his own life was sucked out of his veins, but it was only a deception, to save the Captain’s life and to cure his fever.  _ Half of the plan was successful _ , Spock thought to himself and bit back a sigh. 

 

He should not feel this way. Remorseful. Jim was alive and he had come back down to Vulcan as soon as he heard Spock was having a relapse. It had been the Captain’s decision to become his mate, if only for a night. In fact he gave Spock a detailed list of the investments Starfleet had made for Spock’s education, as well as a list of thing he would have to do, papers he would have to fill out, if Spock were to die, arguing that it would be logical to sleep with his First Officer as that would be the lesser price to pay. In that moment Spock had not cared for logic at all. He had wanted to mate, wanted to own. 

 

But now he hated what he had done. No Vulcan control could protect him from the self-hatred, the remorse, the disgust. The loneliness. Yes, that was the worst emotion and he knew that he was not the one, feeling it. Not originally. Though Spock could prevent himself from forming a marital bond to Jim while they had copulated, he seemed to have been unable to prevent a temporal bond between the both of them. And now somewhere in this house Jim lay there, lonely, hurt. Both emotions Spock was able to recognize, but unable to explain why his superior felt this way. But he knew that it had to be his fault and that sooner or later they had to talk about how to proceed. 

 

He got up and put on a heavy black robe with Vulcan hieroglyphs. Dr. McCoy had ordered medical leave for both of them, not just because they actually needed it, but to prevent Starfleet from requesting their presence at the inauguration on Altair VI. Now Scott was temporarily in charge of the ship while Spock and his Captain had to stay here for two weeks, in an empty house as both Sarek and Amanda as well as their household staff were at the Embassy on Earth.  _ If I were human, I would call it two weeks in hell _ , Spock thought bitterly. Two weeks of shame, of living with the memories of that night with nothing else to think about. 

 

The tall man left his room and his bare feet made no noise on the marble-like stone floor. The house was old, and though it had modern technology on some of the rooms the doors still had nothing to buzz and no bell to ring, so he knocked on Jim’s door. Still he did not wait for permission to enter. It was his father’s house after all. And his Captain, sharing a bond with him - however temporal it might be. 

 

“Spock.” Jim’s voice did not even try to hide the anger and Spock felt the flare in his own mind. 

 

“My apologies, Captain, but I do believe that there is a conversation we should not try to avoid in order to both regain our ability to function as a command team as well as to make our stay here no more uncomfortable than it has to be.” He thought about sitting down on the bed next to the Captain, but decided against it, recognizing it as a wish born from the longing he still felt. 

 

“There’s no need to talk. You’ve made your feelings quite clear. In my head!” Another outburst of anger and hurt that Spock could feel even more than he could hear it. “You are disgusted. Thank you very much.” That sounded like sarcasm. Spock still had problems identifying this concept, although he was described as sarcastic himself. “Here I am, trying to save your life and you … you are disgusted.” 

 

Jim sighed and tried to control himself. “I am sorry, Spock. I … I should not blame you. But it is one thing to know that you are this proud, controlled man, ashamed of everytime you let your emotions slip, and to feel that … It’s not a nice compliment, you know? And unlike you I have an ego to get hurt.” 

 

It was not forgiveness what Spock felt. Rather resignation. 

 

“It is not you I am disgusted of”, the Vulcan tried to explain. “I am most thankful for your … input in saving my life.” Jim snorted and Spock could feel a mixture of amusement and anger. “It is …. I violated my Commanding Officer and my best friend. I am ashamed of what I did to you. Not of who I did it with. And I am ashamed of being ashamed which I have to admit is rather illogical. It seems my control and my logic are still flawed.” 

 

The anger faded and now Jim radiated something that Spock only could describe as emptiness.

 

“Am I allowed to ask a personal question, sir?” 

 

Jim snorted once more. “Spock, your fingerprints are literally embedded in my skin right now, I think, it’s not the right moment to adress me formally.” 

 

Spock inclined his head. “While you are able to sense my feelings, I can say the same about yours. There is one I can not understand. You ...feel lonely. Am I failing in my duties as a host to keep you company?” 

 

“I am a human, Spock.” Jim raised a hand to keep his First Officer from any answer or comment that he was thinking of. “We … well, after we had … sex, we prefer to … cuddle. I understand that it might not be part of what Pon Farr involves, but leaving directly afterwards without cuddling seems so … cold and loveless and … what are you doing?” 

 

While Jim was still speaking, Spock had followed an impulse and slipped his robe off to climb into bed next to his Captain. “If this is beneficial for your psychological wellbeing at this moment, it will also be beneficial for mine as for a while we are linked. Your uneasiness causes me to feel the same. Therefore I will try to … cuddle. But I am afraid that I might need instructions.” 

 

Jim turned to look at him, now that Spock was next to him. “You’re telling me you’ve never … “ He let out a short laugh and shook his head. How long are you living among humans now? 

 

“17 year, not counting in the years I was living with my mother in this house.” 

 

The Captain pulled the blanket over Spock and himself and smiled. Spock could sense amusement, a small amount of pity and excitement, though he was unsure if the last emotion was just a reflection of his own eagerness to learn something new. “17 years and you never … Unbelievable. You missed something, my friend.” He came closer and pressed against the hot Vulcan body, putting both one arm and one leg around Spock’s stiff form. “Here you go. If you feel comfortable, you can put an arm around me as well. Or caress me … It’s not as if you could hide any emotions from me right now anyway.” 

 

“Indeed, I can not”, Spock replied, feeling anxious but curious at the same time. Jim dragged him into an even tighter embrace and Spock felt their hips brush. 

 

Now Jim got quiet, staring at his friend. 

 

“I … do believe this experiment has failed”, Spock exclaimed in attempt to flee, in order to hide his growing erection. This clearly was a failure in every way possible. Instead of going back to a friendly basis with Jim he spoiled their friendship even further. 

 

But the Captain had no intention of letting Spock go. “It’s alright”, he whispered, smiling. “That can happen, too, while cuddling. Do you … want to … I would not mind.” 

 

In fact Spock felt a rush of lust that was not his and something hardening against his own growing erection. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out in order to calm his mind. “I was hoping that we could forget my Time and go back to being the way we were before. If we were to proceed now, what would become of us?” 

 

He felt Jim’s lust deflate a little, exasperation taking over the Captain’s mind. “I don’t know. I … look, I really would like to make love to you. If you want to. In fact, we have two weeks of exploring your sexuality, undisturbed. We could shag in every single room of this house and … “ He paused. No, he would not suggest doing it on Sarek’s desk, although he had this kink. Once, in academy, he and Carol had sneaked into the office of a Fleet Admiral …  

 

“But what would happen after we return to the ship?” Now Spock was no longer aroused, instead he felt a distinct fear of losing what he cherished. 

 

Jim felt it through the bond and frowned. “Spock, I … “ He shook his head, searching for the right words that were so hard to find. “You and I, we … we’ve always belonged together. I don’t know if we’d actually make a good couple. I don’t know if you want this to be exclusive or … Hell, I have no idea if I could be husband material. And it’s way too early to think about it, anyway. But we are so close that it feels natural to be here with you. I love you. And I thought that was obvious. Not the Romeo and Juliet love, maybe, but the ‘Without you my life would be incomplete’ love. The one where I will stay by your side forever, no matter if one day you wake up and marry a nice Vulcan girl. I would still be there if you want me to.” It was hard to find the right words. Though humanity had become less rigid in their definition of love there were still definitions missing. Definitions that he needed now, more than ever. He’d always thought it was clear what was between him and Spock, but obviously it was not. 

 

“I … I love you as a friend. I feel … home, whenever I see you. You make me laugh, you are there for me, you are …  If you want to have as sexual relationship, count me in. If you don’t want to sleep with me, it’s fine. As long as you don’t withdraw yourself from me.” 

 

Jim started to caress Spock’s cheek and there was a warmth that radiated from him that entranced the Vulcan. He had always known that the friendship between him and Jim was something very special. That not many men were allowed to find something similar in their lives. They had been closer than the average husband and wife, at least as far as he could understand it - with the exception of Sarek and Amanda. But he had never even thought about giving it a sexual or romantic direction. He had never thought about sex at all, other than in the few hours he spent under the influence of spores on a faraway planet. 

 

But now that everything fell into place, he had to admit that it seemed natural. Jim was the one he trusted most in his life. It was only logical that if he were to allow proximity, he would be the one to experience it with him. Still it felt strange. Vulcans usually did not have any sexual relations outside of a marriage.  _ I am not completely Vulcan _ , he reminded himself.  _ It is only logical that I am an exception in my behaviour when it comes to finding a partner as well. _

 

Spock tried to find the right words. Words that had the same weight as Jim’s had, but he could not find them. “I believe your evaluation of our situation to be exact and furthermore applicable to both parties of the equation”, he replied then, after giving up on saying something romantic. 

For a moment Jim just stared at him, then the human burst into laughter. “You are one of a kind, Spock. A simple ‘I love you, too’ would have been too mundane, right? Okay, but I do believe that after your lengthy need for discussion you owe me. Big time.” He kissed the Vulcan lightly and smiled, before letting his hand move down between the both of them, taking hold of a placid bit of flesh, fondling it softly. “And this time I think I will be in charge and you will be mine to mark.”

**Author's Note:**

> All credits go to Speckeh (hoping that the Speckeh here is the same as 'mine') for being a wonderful Jim and inspiring me to use our idea in a different way.


End file.
